A Ballroom Dancer I am Not!

I recently joined a gym with two of my friends. We often go out to eat and drink and discuss very important topics such as when our last orgasm was, when we last washed our hair, and what current medical condition we are almost dying from. Anyways on one of our very first gym experiences we decided to try out the dance fusion class. In hind site we probably should have taken shots before this class.  So we go in and the class begins and I’m not going to lie, it was terrifying, I promise you that teacher came into this world dancing and shaking that ass! Within 3 minutes of the class my dear sweet friend Carrie is overcome with panic, she turns to me, eyes wide and serious, and says nope I cannot do this, in fact I think I am getting a phone call and hurries of the gym floor. I’m over there all like.. bitch!!!! Then she precedes to walk around the track above the gym I’m sure laughing internally at her sheer cleverness of the whole damn thing and then takes videos of my “curvy” ass attempting to dance off a pound or two! So the other day when she is begging me to go to this ball room dance class situation she somehow got herself into I look at her and say sure I will go because I’m an awesome friend! Then as she gets ready to hug me in delight of how giving I am I say.. under one condition. Carrie’s face goes still, the fear back in the yes as I begin to nod, yes mam you owe me a dance work out class and you cannot leave me! So we have a date for Zumba coming up.

Now about that dance class… this time we did drink prior to going and I think that was the best idea. They taught us a few steps for a few dances I have already forgotten the names of, well I have already forgotten the steps too. We sat there and the instructors came up took our hands all gentleman like and began to try and dance us around the floor.Poor sweet beautiful Hallie is sitting there all sad because she feels like she is the last girl picked for the volleyball team, what she doesn’t understand is that she is intimidating to them and that is why she was picked last. Well either that or they were confused because she was in scrubs and  heel boots, maybe they were waiting for you to change Hal? I immediately spouted off how sweaty a person I am and that I just wanted them to be prepared so that they would not take hold of my sweaty ass hands and then fling me, let me go and then panic as they think about the lawsuit they will have as I go crashing through the glass front window! Anyway we were not there long, not even an hour but one of the instructors called me adorable when I kept messing up, I am pretty sure that is just polite for you suck! Sir do not hide insults behind pretty words! Then they laid it on us! Suddenly there was paperwork and a spiel about group lessons for discounts and sign up now and set the appointment now and pay now… no sir not this girl. So I do what I always do when I want to get out of something, i blame my husband; I’m all like oh I don’t know I have to ask my husband, I don’t have access to our bank account, yes I will talk to him and call you tomorrow…now anyone who knows me knows I don’t ask my husband about me doing shit, that is the kind of amazing relationship we have! Fuck, I just gave away my secret of how to get out of things, look friends I would never use my husband on ya’ll…. never… I swear it is just on strange dance instructors…so if you hear me say I have to ask my husband it is probably true..ish…. O look here are some embarrassing pictures to distract you, you are welcome!!  Oh and of course I did not post any of my girls because like I said I am a good friend.

p.s.  Carrie owes me three zumba classes!

p.p.s. I have an ass for days!!!!!!!!

dancing onedancing two


Soul Mates – One of my favorite quotes

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life.”

Yes….I have to Pee

I got engaged this past September. It was not like any other proposal I’ve heard of. See growin up I was never the girls to sit around and plan my wedding or envision my proposal so maybe that’s part of why it was so….well.. unique? My boyfriend Bryan and I were on vacation in Florida with my parents. We were staying with my grandparents and we had been at the beach all day, having some beverages, playing in the surf, you get the idea. Let me back up a  bit and tell you that from the start our relationship was far from normal. We have been “together” for almost four years,  it will be four years  November 2013; it was not until towads the end of Summer in 2011 that we stopped saying we were just “friends” and became “exclusive.” The just friends part drove people crazy but it was what we thought was best for us at the time. So we went from being friends, to boyfriend/ girlfriend, moved in together and engaged all in about a year. We started talking about getting married and it was exciting but scary, I was a girl who can not make the easiest of decisons much less life long ones without having a massive panic attack. There we were September 2012 in Florida enjoying as many Bushwackers as I felt necassary. My grandpa is a realtor and took us all looking at some condos, a fun way to spend a few hours, we fell in love with one, the Indigo. It was amazing, I wanted to live there, hell I wanted to be the damn condo. So let me bring us back to the scene at hand, sitting on the beach, me, Bryan, mom, and dad, relaxing, taking in the view, you know the drill. My dad starts to pack up, I’m not ready to go so I start to get a little bitchy about it (getting me to leave the beach is hard to do, unless there is food involved) he tells me and Bryan to go for a walk, him and mom will pack up and they will pick us up at the public entrance. I am pretty happy with that so we start our trek down the beach.

Uh oh what’s this? A sunset, walking in the surf, hand in hand…….romance, romance, romance!! Oh wait, what’s that sound??? No worries just my wet sandy thighs rubbing together as I walk……ouch!!! I’m trying so hard to create a scene from a movie here but my thighs are killing me, im pretty sure there is something in my bikini bottoms and it’s beginning to sting, I’m beginning to walk like… well try walking but have your thighs not touch ( skinny girls.. I’m sorry you won’t get this), it looks and feels ridiculous!!! I’m so focused on what my body is doing that I have not realized we have reached it. The Indigo! Bryan looks at me and says “do you want to go up to the hot tub?” Well hell yea I do!!!!! So I walk up to the gate, of course it’s locked, some sort of padlock, I’m pushing numbers, hoping for some magical opening of the door. There was a small child on the other side I tried getting him to let me in but he just stared at me like I was a swamp thing! Mommy and daddy probably taught him not to talk to girls that smelled like chocolate milkshakes with a double shot of rum, good for them. Meanwhile have I even realized I’m alone in my attempt to break in? Nope. I turn around and there he is, standing in the sand just watching me fail. I walk back down to the beach and I’m like ok so you are not going to help me, this was your idea? He just stands there and starts asking me if I like the condo or not, hmmmm well yes I do, hence the attempt to break in! He keeps asking it in different ways and I’m stating to get a little irritated and finally he says “will you do me a favor?” I say sure, whatcha need and turn to look at him. He is on one knee, ring box open in hand and he says ” will you meet me here in a year?” Are you awing, a little teary eyed perhaps? Well this is what comes out of my mouth “I need to pee..” Really???? I mean really? This guy who is so non romance is on bended knee and that’s what I say!? After that it’s a bit of a blur but somehow we got around to the  I love you’s and me saying yes, final result, beautiful cushion cut diamond flanked by a sapphire on each side sitting pretty on my ring finger.

We aren’t done just yet. We then go to try the public entrance where my parents are waitng, and yes they knew all about what was about to happen. I lead us up through the side of a condo and into a parking lot. We are standing there and I’m like so earlier when Isaid I had to pee, yea thats still happeneing,at this point it’s painful. I look down and there is a concrete square surrounded by bushes with a water hose. I’m sorry but it’s almost like someone knew I’d be there in this situation and need a little privacy and perhaps some water to wash away the evidence. So did I do it? You bet your ass I did! Just five minutes after a lovely proposal I’m peeing in the parking lot. It’s ok though Bryan joined in, the couple that pees together stays together and all that. We soon realize that we are blocked from the public entrance by a row of bushes with thorns and all kinds of flroida vegatation, you know what I mean the sea oats and what have you. We climb through all that, barefoot and in bathing suits, it hurt, it really did. We get to the fence past all that and while climbing the fence something stabs my butt cheek! I’m over the fence, sweating, and now bleeding from my butt! I see my parents, my mom cries, then laughs, cries some more, dad looks confused as to why we are coming through the woods instead of the beach access that was right where we had gotten engaged….so dumb, Bryan and I just shake our heads and climb into the truck. I sit on a towel because obviously this butt wound is not giving up, but my finger sure looks pretty.