I am going to go ahead and apologize because this blog post will not be funny. There is a lot going on right now, work is crazy right now, so many changes going on there and they all make me feel a little uneasy. Home life.. well home life is, it’s a sad place I am trying to brighten it up with flowers and sunshine. I’m trying to attract butterflies to a place where moths gather. People ask me all the time how is everything, how is work, how are you and Bryan? The thing is we can make things look fine, we have new vehicles, we put on smiles and show up at events and I say fine, we are fine, work is fine, everything is fine, same ole same ole and some days this is true but for the most of the part right now things suck. The truth is I rarely have the energy to even get into how everything is or isn’t so I just don’t
And of course as usual I know that a million people have it worse, I get it, I do. I count my blessings every day and I am working on trying to become a more positive person, if not for just me but for my husband too. Most people get married and spend the next few years working on how to be married, how to adjust to living together, bills etc. We have been married almost three years now and yes we are still dealing with some of the issues of being newly weds but we have skipped out on that sweetness of being newly weds and here is why. Most people within the first year or three of marriage have not lost 8 loved ones. EIGHT!!! This does not include friends we have lost, just family. If you count in my grandma ,who we lost to pancreatic cancer before we got married, plus the two friends I have lost this year to suicide and murder, plus the loss of a dog and a bunny… that is a total of 13 loved ones in the past 5 years or so. This my friends will take a toll on you and your marriage. I love my husband so very much and it breaks my heart all day every day that there is not a damn thing in the world I can do to change what has happened to him or within him. People who know him know that he has always been giving, friendly, the life of the party, full of laughter and love. I am scared he is losing all this and I don’t know how to get it back, what is worse I know that I can’t get it back for him. it is a fight he will have to fight and though I am by his side I cannot do it for him. His eyes have glazed over, the smile is forced at best, his heart is numb. Everything that has happened has numbed him, I get it because I have done it myself. Sometimes life throws so much at you that you have to numb yourself so you can still function on a daily basis.
I am someone who gets super mad when I cannot fix something. I need to do something and when I cannot, I get mad and sometimes I take it out on him. Sometimes I yell at him and I know I shouldn’t but I do it out of a place inside me that is full of panic because I feel out of control with this situation. So I rearrange tupperware cabinets, I work on the yard, I plant flowers, I mow, I clean, I hot glue things together just to watch them melt and fall apart in the sun, and I cook and force him to eat, I do all this because these are things that I CAN do and I have to do something. Then there is this weekend, Mother’s day. I took my mom out last weekend so that this weekend I could be with Bryan and try to shield him of the pain of this day. I get that I cannot do that, but if I could put on some sort of Harry Potter coat of invisibility that would make us disappear for just the one day, I would. I have done research and how to handle Mother’s Day with no mom and I don’t know if they have been helpful or just more painful. I cannot imagine losing one parent, much less two and much less within a few years of one another. I am super close to my mom and dad and spend almost more time with them than I do my friends. The thought alone of losing them kills me and puts me in a dark place. I tell Bryan if it were me I would be in an institute rocking in a corner in a white coat. He has done so well, but maybe that is the problem. I would like to break him down to his rawness. Where the armour is down where he feels so much he breaks, not because I want this for him but because I am afraid that without it he may not be able to smile again, not a real smile that comes from his heart anyway. I am afraid I will never see his eyes light up with humor or mischief again. I want to break him to build him back up again. I want to be able to feel his love, I want him to be able to feel mine. I want him to reach for me instead of pushing me away, I want him to want. But when you block yourself from feeling one thing, the pain of loss, you eventually will block out all feelings and you will just exist. This weekend we were supposed to go to a wedding and stay in town. Change of plans we are heading to the cabin. In being there I hope for healing. There is no other place that is as magical as the cabin, not even the beach, The peacefulness of it, being with nature, feeling the water, the sky, the rocks, seeing bald eagles, something there just has a way of creeping into your soul and patching it up piece by piece.
Maybe once we get through this and I don’t know when that will be, maybe we can experience the newly wed phase and maybe it will be even sweeter because of what we have gone through. Going through a lot does take it’s toll but I think (I hope) that it will somehow bring us closer, that we will know each other even more. Sometimes I feel we are pushing each other way because of everything that has happened and as much as I try to sympathize with him and understand him, the truth is I cannot because I have not lost a parent. I have lost loved ones but not a parent and that is something that cannot be compared to anything else. I pray every day that God helps him because I cannot, that he somehow guides him to where he needs to be and that maybe somehow he can have contact with his mom. I pray to help us get closer, I pray for strength to not be mean and for patience. I pray for faith to rule me and not anger, I pray because it is something that I CAN do and I have to do something. I will fight and I will do anything it takes to have Bryan be not just Bryan again but a better Bryan, a Bryan that survived all that was thrown at him and came out the other side with hope and not anger.
As for my work life…. I like what I do and I love my co-workers. But it has changed me, I feel like I’m not as nice, I am not as patient, I feel like it has marked my soul, made it heavier. But this is an issue for another time, when things are better. Maybe one day I can just pet dogs and try to find them homes and write amazing things from my couch and hope that someone reads it and feels something. Maybe one day I can work on piecing my soul back together. For now I will leave you with some quotes and maybe a picture or two.
5/12/2016 I hate to do this but I need to add an addendum. My cousin Casey was killed yesterday. Not sure what happened yet, still under investigation. He is from Montana and is my age. He is leaving behind his young sweet wife and their two young kids. He was an outdoors man, a fisherman, a hunter, a provider, he was good, he was too young and too good. I look around me and I know this is wrong but I can’t help but think, why not the drug addict, why not the rapist, why not the pedophile, why not the person who doesn’t care or value life, why not someone who does not contribute to society? Why him? Why the good? Why the young? Why the one who was needed? It’s too much, this week is too much. We need some good, we need some prayers,we need something.