I have written this blog twice in my head already. Most my blogs get written in my head and are brilliant. The problem is I am usually in the shower, driving, or some other nonsense where I cannot write anything down. Also I  have usually been drinking, it’s then that I am at by best as far as writing goes, as far as my behavior… not so much. By the time I sober up and get to a place I can write my brilliance is gone. It really is sad, so forgive me for this blog, it is not my best.

Actually you know what! Fuck that you deserve my best. So this will be continued in about..6 1/2 hours. See you then my friends!

Aaaannndd Im (I really want to put an apostrophe in that Im but I seriously cannot find it on my keyboard. In my defense its new and tiny) back bitches! As I was saying,I used to be skinny. I always had a big ass but everything else was skinny.In high school I did not understand why it took girls with bigger figures to find clothes that fit right. My apologies, because now I more than get it. I loathe clothes shopping,it takes forever to find anything! I have to decide which body part can show because it is very hard to wear something that hides the belly, arms, and tummy. So I try to draw attention to the boobs because maybe then you will not see everything else that is rolling around in there! I honestly think it is harder going from skinny life to thick life rather than always being thick because I know what it is like to be the other way, I know how easy it was. Most of all I know how much better I felt physically and mentally, as we get older it is a for real struggle. I have embraced the fact that I will never again be thin, I appreciate my curves, but I do know when it is time to reign them in. When my back begins to hurt, when my breathing is labored then im like shit gym time. I loved kick boxing, loved it. but I can no longer afford it which sucks. For my wedding I lost 20 pounds and was the smallest I had been in a minute. But it took work! I worked out 4 days a week and the food I ate.. it was so sad and I was so mad all the time!I know I can do it but shit those drinks and cheese dip ya;ll! Plus now I am married and like I am doing good to brush my hair and wear pants so back off, am I right> seriously I cannot even find the question mark on this thing, who makes a keyboard with no question mark,this is complete nonsense!

I feel like I am getting of track. Here is my point. As I have joined the curvy group I realize that most of my friends are smaller than me. They are all beautiful and amazing women, some are thin, some are not. I am not and the thing lately that has been driving me insane is listening to all the negative comments we all say. Every time I hear one of my skinnies say they need to diet or that they need to lose weight or anything like that I literally want to sit on them with my fat ass and let them beg for air and say they are skinny till they get the picture. It drives me crazy!!! I wish I was their kind of fat! It is like that saying … holy shit this thing has no quotation marks! Now I am going to be sued for plagiarizing because I have no quotations. Well I might be if anyone read this blog but no one does so I may be ok. Where was this thing made>>>>>>( remember these are my questions marks) Anyway it is like that quote: I wish I was as fat as I was the first time I thought I was fat. It is so true! It is a constant fight and I want to know when we as women will stop valuing ourselves at the scale. Sometimes I glare at my skinny friends because they are so cute in their skinny outfits and life must be so much better for them and men must love them and they probably get paid more because they are thinner. I get this may not be true and it may all be in my head but sometimes when I look at ya;ll this is what I think. I love you all so much but I swear if I hear anything about you needing to lose weight I will shove some brownies all up in your cake whole. I can say all this because I was there, I was you!! I was thin! Now im curvy and sometimes it is so fucking great and sometimes I cry at night. It is what it is. The thing is we are all different and we are all struggling with self issues but it is so hard to remember this when I am trying on clothes and with every outfit I say to myself : this would be so cute if…. if I was thinner. It is hard to love yourself everyday, but we have to try because we are worth it. Every single one of us, all of us are worth more than what we see.

I want to do better and sometimes I do. Sometimes I eat salad,work out, drink water, and lose weight and sometimes, more often than not I drink too much and snack to much. I remember when I was skinny and was hungry, sometimes I would be like I will have a bloody mary that is good enough bc I cannot eat and drink. Sure I was skinny but was I healthy> Feeling healthy is the most important. We need to find a balance and incorporate it into our life. I know it is hard, I fight it every day and lose because I eat lunch surrounded by beautiful fit people and they do not carry lunch the way my body does but at the end of the day they love and accept me, even when my butt crack is hanging out.Ladies I blame you bc its easier but I know I shouldnt dip my chips in ranch just because you do, you just make it look so damn tasty!

Thanks for reading this in spite of my lack of question marks, apostrophes, and quotations. I will look for them tomorrow and see where they have gotten off to.

For humor reasons I am posting a few text messages I sent to Bryan earlier. He finally called me after the third message.I am also posting the effect cheese dip has had on me, your welcome.

Also here is a beautiful quote I found this summer: She began to measure herself in contentment and laughter rather than inches and pounds.

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This was years ago where i was thin and dug in the dirt wearing tube tops..

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