I recently joined a gym with two of my friends. We often go out to eat and drink and discuss very important topics such as when our last orgasm was, when we last washed our hair, and what current medical condition we are almost dying from. Anyways on one of our very first gym experiences we decided to try out the dance fusion class. In hind site we probably should have taken shots before this class.  So we go in and the class begins and I’m not going to lie, it was terrifying, I promise you that teacher came into this world dancing and shaking that ass! Within 3 minutes of the class my dear sweet friend Carrie is overcome with panic, she turns to me, eyes wide and serious, and says nope I cannot do this, in fact I think I am getting a phone call and hurries of the gym floor. I’m over there all like.. bitch!!!! Then she precedes to walk around the track above the gym I’m sure laughing internally at her sheer cleverness of the whole damn thing and then takes videos of my “curvy” ass attempting to dance off a pound or two! So the other day when she is begging me to go to this ball room dance class situation she somehow got herself into I look at her and say sure I will go because I’m an awesome friend! Then as she gets ready to hug me in delight of how giving I am I say.. under one condition. Carrie’s face goes still, the fear back in the yes as I begin to nod, yes mam you owe me a dance work out class and you cannot leave me! So we have a date for Zumba coming up.

Now about that dance class… this time we did drink prior to going and I think that was the best idea. They taught us a few steps for a few dances I have already forgotten the names of, well I have already forgotten the steps too. We sat there and the instructors came up took our hands all gentleman like and began to try and dance us around the floor.Poor sweet beautiful Hallie is sitting there all sad because she feels like she is the last girl picked for the volleyball team, what she doesn’t understand is that she is intimidating to them and that is why she was picked last. Well either that or they were confused because she was in scrubs and  heel boots, maybe they were waiting for you to change Hal? I immediately spouted off how sweaty a person I am and that I just wanted them to be prepared so that they would not take hold of my sweaty ass hands and then fling me, let me go and then panic as they think about the lawsuit they will have as I go crashing through the glass front window! Anyway we were not there long, not even an hour but one of the instructors called me adorable when I kept messing up, I am pretty sure that is just polite for you suck! Sir do not hide insults behind pretty words! Then they laid it on us! Suddenly there was paperwork and a spiel about group lessons for discounts and sign up now and set the appointment now and pay now… no sir not this girl. So I do what I always do when I want to get out of something, i blame my husband; I’m all like oh I don’t know I have to ask my husband, I don’t have access to our bank account, yes I will talk to him and call you tomorrow…now anyone who knows me knows I don’t ask my husband about me doing shit, that is the kind of amazing relationship we have! Fuck, I just gave away my secret of how to get out of things, look friends I would never use my husband on ya’ll…. never… I swear it is just on strange dance instructors…so if you hear me say I have to ask my husband it is probably true..ish…. O look here are some embarrassing pictures to distract you, you are welcome!!  Oh and of course I did not post any of my girls because like I said I am a good friend.

p.s.  Carrie owes me three zumba classes!

p.p.s. I have an ass for days!!!!!!!!

dancing onedancing two


One thought on “A Ballroom Dancer I am Not!

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